Sometimes I'm a pretty good mom. I'm in the moment, focused, intentional, present. And then there are the other times...
Lately I've been feeling overwhelmed with all my responsibilities and that my sweet family is last on my list. I feel like all you ever hear me say is,
Hurry and eat, we gotta go.
Brush your teeth.
Hurry up, we're late!
Put your clothes away.
Did you do your jobs?
Is your homework finished?
Dinner's Ready! Dinner's ready! I said dinner's READY!!
Did you practice the piano?
Do you have any papers you need me to sign?
Clean out your locker!
Get ready for bed.
It's time to get up.
I've been feeling the need to re-connect and get back to mothering. It started with the "Fall Feast" we had the other night. It wasn't much, but to my children it meant a lot. I've been doing better at being more intentional with Family Home Evening and I recently decided that on Friday's I'll take the time to have a lunch date with each child at school.
That's great, right?! I had taken the time to put my children into my busy schedule and that was enough. Guilty mom feelings averted. Phew!
I received a wake up call telling me it's NOT enough. My children need to know I'm there for them, not just when it's convenient or when it suites my schedule.
I'm taking an online class and I have to log in at home. I sit in my room with the door shut and listen to my instructor drone on and on while my kids destroy my house. When I want to participate, I click a little microphone button on my computer and the class can hear me. I had class the other day and before it started I gave my children strict instructions that they were to be quiet, finish their jobs and do their homework until I was done.
I shut my bedroom door and it wasn't long before I heard them being wild and obviously disregarding all my instructions. I sat in class for an hour, fuming at all the craziness I heard on the other side of the door. I glanced at the clock and saw it was almost time for Jonas and Sonora to go to piano lessons and Clara to go to tutoring. My class wasn't over yet, but I couldn't handle it any longer.
I opened my bedroom door and started yelling (at the top of my lungs), "What in the world are you guys doing?! You didn't do anything I asked! Jonas! Did you unload the dishwasher? No? I didn't think so! Atticus! Why are these markers out?! Instead of cleaning up your mess you decided to make an even bigger one?! Sonora! Have you even started your homework?!! Clara! Put the scissors away right now and get your shoes on!"
Seconds later I looked at Clara and she was still sitting at the table cutting her paper, ignoring me. "Clara!", I screamed. "Stop being such a BRAT and get up and do what I said!!"
And then I heard my name being called from my bedroom. What the? I walked in and saw that my microphone button was pushed and across my whole computer screen my instructor wrote,
The more I thought about it, the more angry I got with myself. Not because I had been "caught" yelling at my kids, but because I was more worried about what other people would think and not about the tender feelings of my precious children.
I'm re-focusing again my loves. I'm going to ask myself, "Meshan, is your mic on? Are you hearing how you're talking to your kids? Are you listening to the message you're sending them?"
I'm not going to measure my mothering on how great I look on paper or in public, but how I look in my children's eyes.
Tomorrow is a new day. I have to keep reminding myself.
All my love,